Argh, it's been like, forever since I've posted. I really, really need to keep up with this.

Anyways. This week was a decently tame one. Having problems with my computer, but hopefully, I can get my external HD soon and my computer will be re-virgined.

I've been let out of work early, and then I had three days off in a row (one being paid, ee!), and school was cancelled... oh... I got SO much sleep.

I'm on Ryan's compy. =D yay me!

It's been a loooong time since I've made an entry.

So much has happened!

I have a new job, a new car, a new apartment, new boyfriend... new semester, cable, phone, internet... I'm doing pretty damn well for myself. I feel my depression slowly but surely dissipating.

My stress bags are going away, my skin's cleared up, my attitude's getting better.

It's fucked up how much one person can hold you down.

Between you and me,
And how cautious we have become
Leaving you hooked & off the floor,
To think the better you might have known... with age

With every breath you wake a picture instilled the way,
I wish you had lived with cause through pain,
No, no matter you died the same... Machine

So tell me like you want to,
(Here we come to rock your body all...)
If you want me too,
(Here we come to rock your body all night)

When who's to blame,
In a matter of fact I might,
Purely suggest we tell the truth,
From here on out we walk the straight... afraid

What will they do, should we weather this new reply?
Patiently wait your proper end,
From shameless motive to hollow sin,
You're waste

So tell me like you want to,
(Here we come to rock your body all...)
If you want me too,
(Here we come to rock your body all night)

'Cause I don't want you to come around here,
I just want you to go.
I don't want you to come around here,
I just want you to know:

Is this the way you
Is this the way you
Is this the way you watch the body die?

'Cause I don't want your
(I said) "love" before you rot



Ah, so, Ryan brought his laptop in for me to make another LJ post. YAYZ! Nicest boyfriend I've ever had.

So I'm going through all the HP books again. I've just now made it up to the Goblet of Fire. It's slooooooow going. I need to make it through all these books up to the Deathly Hallows. The closer I get, the more excited I get!

Ami, Ryan and Kiki came and went swimming with me today. I was fairly frightened at first, but I did get to floating with Ryan. My fear of drowning is still outweighing my trust for Ryan, because I don't honestly think he'll drown me, but... with as many people have fucked around with me, I'm going to have a little bit of intrepidation.

Ami drove all of us back to her place, Ryan showered and took off for school. I went with Ami on a cigarette run. Nobody understands just how much I love the mundane. I love the mundane, if I'm going it with someone I'm fond of. Just picking cigarettes up with Ami tickles me. Just watching DVDs for the millionth time with Ryan tickles me.

I am so not wanting to work tomorrow. I imagine Ryan and I will be up most of the night, and I've got to be on the road at about 9.

OH! This new book! I want to read it! I read just 3 sentences of it and I just started jumping up and down and dancing.

"OH YES! FUCK ME! FUCK ME, YES~! GO GO GO!"

Hee. I had a majour heartsquee.

I'm all, AHAMAGOSH. Ryan's crashing with me and I TOTALLY forgot to make a grocery run, and my car is back at the flat. I have NO food. I made burritos, but I didn't have cheese, and I can't get the salsa jars open. My wrists have been a bit weak lately.

My flat is becoming more and more of just that: my flat. It's... comforting. I don't walk in and smell Mat, or be reminded of him, or miss him. It's my place. It smells of fried chicken, and fruit, and cigarettes, and chlorine and Ryan and it's strangely comforting. Especially the cigarettes, as weird as that sounds. I used to become nauseous smelling them because they reminded me so much of Mat, but now they remind me of Ryan.

This is especially true since last week. I woke up, and I must have been out, because I totally missed Ryan getting out of bed (usually, if he even moves, I'm right there). He's watching the Simpsons and he starts smoking and that's all I saw. He just gives me that smile and says 'I'm right here, baby doll'. I can just go back to sleep. I don't fear when he's with me. I'm alot less skittish.

The three of us (Ami, Ryan and I) were talking about my sleep habits and Ryan brought up my grabbiness. When I'm sleeping, and I'm on him and he's wearing a shirt, I grab his shirt in my sleep. He says it's freaky and creeps him out, but Ami seemed to get upset. Said it was for security (I think it is). She said Matty really fucked me up (fairly accurate).

I feel bad. I don't mean to creep him out, but I can't help my little sleep oddities. I hum, and sing, and talk, and grab shirts. I cling. I can't help it. I don't want to be left alone.

*cough* I picked up some school supplies, and a new journal. I'm still fucking pissed that my other journal is missing. But, I got a new one with a typewriter on it. Everytime I make a new purchase, since I got these glasses, I feel more and more nerdy.

I think the real me is shinin' through again. It's about fucking time.

And I've paid the price of solitude with wish to worry while you're away,
With all grace to allow my hand the travel & worth here across your face...

I love you more than you could know,
In those eyes you hide it...
well, I think you do...

As I turn the wheels that round the ground across the Never,
Here against the Grave,
Now I've lost the only thing that matters to me in my life,
Is this the dream?

Here I go, I'm on my way home now...
To you...
And it hurts to hear you feel...



So I got things worked out with... everything. I got about $200 more than I expected and I've held onto that and more. Im terribly proud of myself. I did splurge some and grab some comics though. It's been so long!

Theres a few new things with me. New boyfriend (though I'm pretty sure I've already gushed about him to most of you now), two new sets of glasses, all set up for school, getting overtime, etc etc. It's so exciting! I hope to have cable and phone and Interwebz set up in the flat by the end of August. Plus, Mum and Dad and my girls are coming to see me for a bit! Right after school starts and everything, so I don't know how much time I'll have to spend with them, but still!

If I cna get off of work Thursday, I'm supposed to be going to have dinner with Ryan and his folks. I'm MADE of nervous, of course. I don't usually have a problem with the fathers, but mothers? Eh. Cheeto's mum adored me, but Evan and Matt's mum (racism aside) never liked me. They sure did a good job of pretending though.

But the closer it gets to Thursday, it becomes more and more likely that I won't be able to get it off. They're already a little testy about my court date on the 9th (even though I offered to come in afterwards).

I'm making friends at work now. I don't know. I think it's because since I started hanging out with Ryan again, I smile alot more. I feel alot happier. It's been a long time since I felt like this, wanted and loved and valued. It's been a long time since I've been truly happy. As pathetic as it may sound, I'm clinging to it, as it's more than likely my last chance at true happiness.

I got a new cable for my camera, so I'll be uploading new pictures soon! I've lost weight like you wouldn't believe. My hair isn't as nice as it was either. Ami relaxed it for me, so it is alot better, but I think I need a new hair straightener. I've got new glasses too! Eee! That right there sent my self-esteem through the roof.

I feel like myself again. Not totally, but alot more. It has something to do with the fact that I'm not with Matt anymore. I guess I never realized how unhappy he made me. Towards the end, I realized I just didn't want to be alone more than anything else. After we broke up, I nearly settled before I found my current squeeze. I'm glad I didn't. I really am.

/gush.

I went and hung out at Jake and Ami's last night. Ryan was there too. Kenny was MIA, it was rather strange. He had to go home and take care of his FAFSA though. Nuff said.

I have no idea what time I feel asleep, but I started drifting off during Hot Fuzz and by the beginning of 300 (which, by the way, and I could get lynched for saying this, looked completely overrated and nowhere near as good as the graphic novels), I was out. I woke up here and there, once to make sure Ryan was still there (it would have been rather hard for him to take off, as I was sleeping on him), and then I woke up because Jakey was bitching about me being whiney. I can't help if I sound whiney when I'm half asleep! Most of the time, I'm not whining (unless Ryan gets up and moves to where I can't see him), that's just my tired voice. But I got up and just took off. After Jakey saying those things, I had fallen back asleep, but I jerked awake and realized it was nearly 4. Just got up and was out the door in less than 2. Said something to Ryan, but I don't quite remember.

I made it to my car and home in less then 15 (something splendid for the fact that I am on the very outskirts of both Fort Wayne and Waynedale).

Yesterday, I had moved that nightstand into my car with no problems (other than manuevering it into my little tic tac), and went into the flat, smug and ever so proud. 'I moved it and didn't manage to hurt myself! I am made of awesome!'

'Course, pride comes before a fall and all that rot.

I slammed my knee into the front door. Hee haw. Jackass!

I had to go most of the afternoon with the brace on. Then I left it on for too long and it made my other knee hurt too and my bad knee ACHE. By the time I had gotten home, it was throbbing. I hate to whine, but I did a bit of it last night. It's just been awhile since I've done something so stupid that really hurt me, so I think part of the smarting had to be from that.

I work tomorrow. Uuuuugh. I wish I could sleep, eat pizza rolls with my baby, and read Harry Potter forever, and magically money would appear in my bank account.

I've taken to carrying cash around, something I had to stop doing since I ran through it in a day. Now Im much better about it, and I actually do better with cash than with the card.

This reminds me. I must pick up groceries today.

One word: pain.

I would appreciate it if you guys would keep me in your thoughts/prayers.

I've never been in a real school setting before, and tomorrow, I go to college.

I'm going to be gone most the day, and I'm already writhing in pain.

It'll be 'TOM's' arrival tomorrow.

@_@ I am hoping I can do it.

Wish me luck.